(image : painting by (c) Herr Seele – with permission ! )
The most difficult part is relationships, be it before or after the diagnosis. I didn’t think it would be when I was 20 years old, but it is. Friends used to just come and go, and were not super important to me except for two or three people. However, that flow kind of changed over the years.
In the aftermath of my diagnostic revolution, now 2,5 years ago, my world is still upside down. I see everything in a different perspective, and understand how my masking or my brutal honesty may have caused, or at least encouraged abusive relationships.
I am letting them go one by one, and this is bitter sweet. Freedom and relief, but also grief. It almost sounds like poetry.
In the past, I never thought much about the word ‘hypocrisy’. When people would use the word, I would be surprised and I had to think about what it meant each time. Today, I understand that the whole mechanism of being a hypocrite is just so autism-unfriendly. It confuses me when people talk trash about a person and then in real life I see them being more friendly with them than with me. It is so confusing, I want to run away. And that is what I do. Because I decided to listen to my inner self. Numbers don’t count any longer. People are not commodities I need to keep in my life “because you never know”, or out of guilt because I may hurt them while actually I am hurting myself on a daily basis. I am way past that level of codependency. Thank goodness. But I still see it happen around me. People being so mean they are like mental and spiritual assassins to somebody behind their backs, while in their presence they’d kiss their shoes. All this kind of energy has to go from my life, now.
Hypocrisy is not compatible with the autistic brain. Autistic people don’t see others as commodities, a handy thing to have at hand for this or that. An autistic person either likes you or they don’t, and they do it honestly.
Oh and on another note : one famous person I always adored has almost been destroyed by the world’s majorities for her honesty, her straight forwardness and her fight for justice: Sinéad O’Connor. I watched the new documentary about her life and career, “Nothing Compares” yesterday, and it is fantastic. I think she is autistic too. She stims, she’s shy, she avoids eye contact, she is socially awkward… and was scapegoated by her family (mother), probably because she would blurt out the truth. I hope she gets freed from the need for all kinds of religious identities and faulty mental health diagnoses and medications, and that she can find her true nature.
PS: Did you know that the name of my website, Healing Room, comes from a song of hers with the same title ? Thank you Sinéad. You have been a powerful inspiration in my most difficult years.
EDIT on 31 July 2023 : this article was originally written on 22 January 2023. I was somehow worried about Sinéad. Last week, she left us. Since her passing, this article pops up for hundreds of people who search her name, wondering like me, if she was autistic. It strengthens me in my wish to work with autistic adult women. I feel that so many of us may have received wrong diagnosis (and medication), and that from there on our lives become like labyrinths, and healing way too complicated.
– Also the art work of Herr Seele was added on 30 July with his permission and was not part of the original article written on 22 January 2023.
Special thank you to Herr Seele and all you readers and amazing people who leave comments
Hypocrisy… indeed, it’s something autistics just don’t get. The saddest part is when you lose friends because you’re not a hypocrite, because you blurt out the inconvenient truth sometimes… I think I’ll never get used to that.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 💜
Thank you! Yes, totally incompatible! I have always been bad at it, and therefore also at keeping people in my life who are actually not good friends. And is that a bad thing? Not to me.
Heart!
I love this post so much! I’ve unfortunately never new of Sinead and have just learned of her passing, but I believe what you say to also be true. May she rest in peace <3 here’s to undeniably being our true and authentic selves!
Thank you so much, T R ! I appreciate your feedback so much.
Have a wonderful day
Marlene
Heh, in the aftermath of her passing I would just like to support you in writing the above. Nothing compares to her. She fought the system, until she had to stop. Her authenticity was so admirable. I concur on your observations.
Thank you so much, David. I really appreciate your feedback. Yes we are many to think she may have been non diagnosed autistic. All good to you, have a beautiful day
I’m 42 and diagnosed only 5 months ago. I just watched Sinead doco and cried and seen myself, even down to the shaved head I did at 17. I too see her stims, her quite speaking voice but internal screams. I too was a battered child. Too outspoken, too justice driven for my English Catholic family. I watched and immediately felt she was autistic too and Googled it and found you. I think Anthony Bourdain was too. Her passing has impacted me so deeply but also I feel oddly she’s screaming at me to come out of the existential crisis my recent diagnis is put me. They silenced me eventually. My once loud voice now too timid to fight. Until now. My sister is a hypocrite and i have never been able to stomach her behaviour. If you do not like someone, simple move away. This post made me understand why finally at Christmas.her behaviour became too much. I couldn’t stomach the hypocrisy and trying to understand it was making me ill. I’ve been able to step away for more than a decade now from my abusive mother and now i understand on another layer why I can’t engage with her, because I can’t enact hypocrisy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts publicly.
Thank you so much for your response. It really touches my heart and I can feel what you are talking about. It is so important to understand ourselves. I hope you are finding a happier path and getting all the support you need (I know, this is the most difficult part post diagnosis).. Thank you, Lindsey for being YOU.
Marlene
Hi, like the previous poster I too thought that Sinead O’connor might have been autistic and found your site. I am a late diagnosed Mum to 2 young adults who are also autistic.
Like Sinead I too converted to Islam (but no longer practice). I also can’t stand unfairness and fight other people’s corners not only my own. Looking forward to reading the other articles on this site!
Hello Cris,
Thank you so much for your comment, I really appreciate!
Enjoy the ride, and the read.
Marlene
Thank you so much for this article, I am a woman with ASD and ADHD who was born in China and decided to immigrate to Canada at the age of 19 all by myself, I was diagnosed when I was 26 years old, I was also impressed by sinead o’connor’s musical works, especially the song Take me to church, I was deeply moved by her lyrics that pulled me out of the darkness and reborn courage. I was sorry to hear of her departure from this world this year, and I hope she can sing freely and be surrounded by love in heaven. Coincidentally, I was just re-watching the movie Hannah Montana by Miley Cyrus, another one of my childhood idols, and it suddenly occurred to me that sinéad o’connor used to criticize her, and it occurred to me that sinéad o’connor’s various behaviors and manifestations were very much like those of a high-functioning autistic person, and so I looked up this article of yours.