Actually, it’s even FUN.

On our last night before moving house after 15 years in an apartment in the city, we had a drink with our direct neighbors. The downstairs lady was also present. Between her and me, it was rough at the start, but I bent over backwards, walked on egg shells, never played my CDs and kicked out my TV, shared lots of home made food with her and spent hours listening to her when she needed company. I thought we had become some ‘kind of’ friends. Until that last evening. While she was engaged in a very intense relationship with her private wine bottle, she suddenly blurted out to everyone: “I adore S. (my then partner), but MARLENE IS WEIRD!“, repeating the last part at least three times. In an attempt to take some of the potentially drama inducing tension away (landlord was making half embarrassed rolling eyes), I declared solemnly: “Yes, I am weird and I take full responsibility for it, I’m even proud of it!”

Lately I have been noticing that people think I’m weird, or different, or plain strange. I also understand that many people ‘out there’ are hypocritical, wishing to connect but without friendship – for selfish reasons. Maybe I notice all of this more often now because I put less effort into masking and people pleasing?

When as a child we have not been loved by a parent, we may have grown up with a fear of being faulty, and we feel guilty for not knowing how to the right thing in order to be lovable. We may have been searching to please the ‘unpleasable’, ending up believing we are not worthy of love and respect, that we need to perform in order to ‘deserve love’. Please do understand that there is no such thing as ‘deserving love’. When we receive bits of ‘deserved love’, it always involves a form of power abuse, which is the opposite of love. Yes, power is love’s opposite.

See, with my neighbor I had tried so hard for 15 years, to no avail. Even though she may have had some benefit from my ‘sleeve rubbing’, she publicly declared she liked my boyfriend but thought I was just weird.

Receiving my autism diagnosis 3 years ago helped me accelerate the process of radical self acceptance: I love, respect and accept myself, and I enjoy my life much better now. I’m finally learning to put my energy into what I like, rather than into trying to be liked. And if that seems weird, then I only wish to promise the world more weirdness.

Marlene

PS : “It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine” (Byron Katie)