disclaimer : my website is called ‘Healing Room’ because I want to offer a safe space for people who work on healing, be it from a traumatic (undiagnosed) past or newer difficulties such as the grieving process that can take place when a new diagnosis presents one with the need to re-invent oneself, while also getting a better understanding of one’s past. Even though my blog is about healing, it is NOT ever about ‘healing autism’.

The book ‘Pretending to be normal’ by Liane Holliday changed my life.
After years of therapy, I ended up doing one year of trauma work EMDR. It was wonderful, and yet, I had the feeling I was still stuck with something that had not been identified. Then I remembered the blog of a lady in Australia that I had been in touch with for years. She had suddenly done a ‘coming out’ about her autism. Together with a friend, we kind of giggled about it: “Yeah right! She, autistic?”. This was years ago. And then suddenly I remembered her blog post and just had to read it again. I could not identify with her description of her autism, and yet my alarm bells started ringing loudly.

I checked the book list she had generously added at the end of her text. And there it was : ‘Pretending to be normal’ by Liane Holliday Willey. This book changed my life. It felt like every sentence I read was about me. At last, I found somebody who understood my (mostly) invisible struggles. Because yes, autism is a super power, but in our world and with the lack of information people have about it, it can also be hell.

So from there my search started. I was already certain I had found the core of my difficulties.

In Belgium it was very hard to find support, and specialized psychologists or psychiatrists who knew about late female diagnosis were simply not to be found (though I know that things are changing very fast in the Flemish part of Belgium). My ‘case’ may be difficult to identify, as I became a very good masker (and imitator!) since childhood. This was a matter of survival. I got my diagnosis in the UK, with a doctor who had 15 years of autism research on her curriculum. And still, I meet people who claim I’m not autistic, because I don’t look like a little boy they know, or another male person who may be more easily ‘recognizable’ according to imaginary standards and media images. No, I don’t look like Rain Man indeed.

And yet, it got me hospitalized twice because my meltdowns due to over-stimulation had been so violent, I got falsely diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression. Today I know the panic attacks (I used to have a lot of them!) were linked to sensory overload. And also, I never felt ‘depressed’, even though they said I was. (Now that I think of it, I was comforted in one thing by the medical staff : to always second guess myself, and simply not listen to my feelings. They would tell me how I felt. And yes, alexithymia is part of my autism.)

Meanwhile, I have read many books on autism, but ‘Pretending to be normal’ was the one that changed my life. As soon as I finished it, I started my search for diagnosis. The British Dr. in Psychology who diagnosed me told me that, while reading my preliminary 14 pages about why I wanted a diagnosis, there was not one single paragraph where she thought I was not autistic.

Finally being heard, seen and understood, and ultimately recognized can be cathartic indeed. I changed my life, quit my job, started a gemstone healing course, and closed my Facebook page.

I had a new life to start, with a clean slate, and learn to finally be myself, instead of trying to comply with everybody else for survival. I learned to listen to myself and to respect my boundaries : work part time, spend time alone, assure a safe space where I can find rest and silence, and learn to listen to my sensitivity.

Today, I believe I am not abnormal. I believe it is abnormal to live in a world where people shout, exclude, bully and scapegoat a person just because they are different – sensitive and strong at the same time. Today I know that the harsh lights in supermarkets are not normal. Today I am absolutely convinced that motorbikes in the city are much too loud and that on some days, sirens are unbearable.

Today, I listen more to myself and find tools to cope with the world : limit my commitments, get earplugs and headphones, work mostly alone in a quiet office. Today I also stopped conforming myself to situations and relationships that don’t fit me.

Today, my life is getting better. And I know I can help others to understand themselves, and add my bits of advocacy to this world.

Here are some of the books I have read about female autism and late diagnosis :
In Dutch :
– Vrouwen met autisme – Bronja Prazdny
– Onzichtbaar Onvermogen – Evelien Tersteeg
– Anders gaat ook – Elise Cordaro
– De kracht van autisme – Vera Helleman
– Zondagskind – Judith Visser
– Zondagsleven – Judith Visser

In English :
– Unmasking Autism – Devon Price
– Aspergirls – Rudy Simone
– Asperger’s and Girls – Tony Attwood and Temple Grandin
– Asperger’s on the inside – Michelle Vines
– Pretending to be Normal – Liane Holliday