I want to talk about a typically autistic talent: finding patterns in the weirdest places, combined with a difficulty to identify one’s emotions.

A few weeks ago, I noticed a series of subtle differences in the movements and behavior of my neighbors : their car was there at hours it normally wasn’t, a window that was never opened suddenly was open regularly, their garden gathered a few autumn leafs, their shutters were closed at unusual hours…

I had not payed particular attention to their movements, but my brain records everything all the time – welcome to the autistic brain that knows no filter. Detail oriented indeed… and the sum of a handful of details end up meaning something. I told my partner about my suppositions : 1) the neighbor broke his leg (the car was way too present for weeks, and the garden a bit messy) and 2) there is somebody else in his home (window open). I had not seen those people for about two months. Until one day I came across a new guy, who told me his bro broke his clavicle and he stayed over to help!

Most neurotypical people would not notice such unimportant changes, unless they stalk people! Here’s why I do notice : my brain records so many details and has learned to find a pattern in about everything. Why? Because many of us autistics have trouble seeing the full picture, so in order to get a grip on reality (and organize the chaos that surrounds us), we need to find a pattern in the hundreds of pieces of information we constantly gobble up.

It’s a real skill, and I could have made a great career as a private investigator. But I didn’t, as I used to feel burdened with all the stuff my brain carried because it made me different – and our world is not very friendly with difference. I’m so glad I realize this is all part of being on the spectrum. It’s one of my major invisible differences.

In real life and especially in relationships with neurotypicals, the need for patterns can be a handicap, because it takes time to to find and integrate them – especially when you also have alexithymia like I do. Alexithymia is a difficulty identifying and naming your emotions – yet another typically autistic and invisible trait. Even if I feel like I am assertive and standing up for myself, it is often impossible for me to react when (bad) stuff occurs : the stress, the alexithymia plus the need for patterns make it biologically impossible to remain present. Sometimes I have a shutdown and need to remove myself from a situation, and most people don’t like to give processing time. An example : often times I don’t directly ‘get’ that a person just said something rude or lacked of respect. First of all because it hurt, which puts me under intense stress, and second because I need to process what happened in order to be able to identify it. This is where abuse may come in: “She doesn’t react so I just go on”. Meanwhile, my mind is actively looking for more clues. When I finally get it, the other person has moved on far from the event and has trouble figuring out why I come up with a shocking conclusion (much) later. I understand why most people don’t like when this happens. But it’s the best I can do. Sometimes it takes years for me to put everything together, especially when it concerns relationships, as people are complex and unique, on the spectrum or not. On the other hand, my conclusion may be coming from a much deeper place than what people usually express, as I take time to observe, let the information percolate, and give space to the event. I am not fast, but quite deep.

And I know we live in a fast world.

PS : Sorry to the people who may have been shocked with my delayed responses. They think I take decisions ‘out of the blue’ while the opposite is true. I often feel terrible and drained because of it, especially when it concerns a negative conclusion.